News from the front

The BBC Symphony played Westfield shopping mall in Shepherd’s Bush last night, an ideal opportunity to doorstep Proms director Roger Wright at the party afterwards. His PR people have clearly warned him that he is under surveillance and he ducks and dives on the subject of his likely whereabouts on the night of the ukulele prom, delivering a lengthy lecture about unpleasant hacks who go around stalking people.

However, I can exclusively reveal that the director has ditched his soprano uke and moved on to a tenor, on account of having fingers at least as banana-like as mine. Maybe that’s the answer to my chord crisis. But no, I want to get my 20 quid’s worth out of the little red beauty.

So how will we know whether the director is strumming away on 18 August? As the party turns bibulous, I slip a state-of-the-art tracker into his pocket. The truth will be told.